STUDIO CITY – Frankie Muniz was shocked to learn that his Malcom in the Middle co-star Erik Per Sullivan was found dead earlier today at the ripe child television star age of twenty. Although details are sparse, this reporter has learned that Dewey was found in his trailer on a 20^th Century Studio Lot surrounded by seventeen empty cans of compressed air duster, most commonly used for cleaning computer keyboards. Dewey was on the set of Unfaithful II, filming with co-stars, Diane Lane and Charles Barkely. Malcom in the Middle had just recently began its syndication run on TV Land and had already exceeded Nielsen rating projections.  Jane Kaczmarek, who played the mother Lois on the show, commented that she and Dewey were only recreational users of compressed air and that she found it hard to believe this is the sole reason for Dewey’s demise. Sergeant Paulette Powell of the Studio City Police Department has ordered a full autopsy to determine the exact cause of Dewey’s death. As a stop-gap measure FOX has taken the advice of an undead Gary Coleman and will be replacing Dewey with placard cutouts of Coleman’s twelve-year-old nephew to add some balance to the reruns of the show. Dewey is survived by basically everyone in his family.

PER SULLIVAN AFTER A NIGHT OUT WITH NEIL PATRICK HARRIS IN 2010

JACKSONVILLE – Fresh off his trouncing of Mittens Romney in the Palmetto State, Newt Gingrich’s Campaign has announced that they will not hold back on their aggressiveness in the Sunshine State.  Gingrich’s campaign manager, Jose Mallea told reporters that his candidate continues to plan on targeting the youth, Latino and any other minority vote he can get his hands on. In the face of learning that President Obama has created over three million jobs in the new job sector of “Full-Time Unemployment”, Gingrich has found himself on the defensive, especially for the highly coveted and staunchly Democratic twenty something vote.  Mallea has once again pulled out all the stops.  While cruising thru Miami’s Lemon City neighborhood, in a souped-up and hydraulicized 1968 Chevy Biscayne convertible, the former Speaker blared Chamillionaire’s Ridin’ Dirty courting the inner-city youth vote. With a fresh nose and eyebrow piercing visible (and a Prince Albert not), Gingrich spoke about fidelity and openness in one fell swoop.  He promised jobs for Floridians over the age of eighty and also for those under the age of nineteen. Happy to highlight his record of doing nothing of any private sector value for decades, Gingrich claimed he could oust Obama for doing nothing of any value for decades.  Florida’s young voters have promised “to be busting some chads in his ass” if Gingrich doesn’t come thru with his promises.

A NEWLY CONVERTED GINGRICH VOTER, SWAYED
BY THE SPEAKER’S NEWFOUND PUNK-HIPSTERNESS

After causing the suicides of nearly one thousand cats nationwide during his rendition of the National Anthem, Steven Tyler has become the first member of the ‘American Idol’ judging panel to ever be voted off of the show. That vote came unanimously by over thirteen million viewers on Monday night, the single largest vote anyone on the show has ever received, either affirmatively or negatively.  Randy Jackson, stunned, commented on the vote, “I thought dog did alright, but when dog was hitting his octaves, dog struggled, but like I said dog did alright up in there, but it’s tough up on that stage” Jackson closed his comments a little off subject, “Anyone got some bacon?”  The City of Foxboro was not as sanguine, as the estimated costs of rushing over two hundred fans to the hospital from ear exhaustion cost the city nearly $850,000.  Producers of Idol have refrained from making comments about the matter, however, host Ryan Seacrest told us that it’s getting to the point that most of the show’s viewers find it difficult to tell the difference between Tyler and Jennifer Lopez anyway.  No word yet on Tyler’s likely replacement, however the growing consensus across various social media is that Bill Belichick will speak with FOX about the job after next week’s Super Bowl.

(BELOW) TYLER, AFTER A SHOW IN PROVINCETOWN, MASS.

Tuesday’s State of the Union address was a smashing success.  For those who didn’t watch it.  After chest-bumping Democratic members of Congress on his way to the podium, and being introduced by that muddled tan looking-PallMall-filterless-chain-smoking-guy, this reporter turned off the TV.

The Republican Presidential hopeful pool has shrunk to zero plus Ron Paul as of early this morning.  After a South Carolina debate that saw much early fanfare, the shame card was eventually played by unapologetic CNN millionaire John King.  Questioning candidates on when they would release their taxes and further asking how many years of returns each candidate would be releasing, King then called everyone on the dais a criminal for making money over the course of their lives.  Fellow Correspondent and wife, Dana Bash King further bashed the four contenders over not paying their ‘fair share’ of taxes.  Gingrich, who paid nearly a million dollars in taxes for 2010, was further lambasted by the Kings for his Mormon-like marriage record.  Ron Paul escaped scrutiny from the couple, after announcing that the costs of the Iraq and Afghan Wars made it impossible for him to pay to have his taxes done since 2002.  Mitt Romney simply began to cry, yet resorted to ‘Making it Rain’ to a scrambling ovation of unemployed South Carolinians. Santorum started clamoring about something, but no one was paying attention by this time.  Ron Paul will formally accept the Republican nomination after an important meeting with his tailor tomorrow morning.  Again, Barack Obama is laughing all the way to your bank.

ROMNEY ALWAYS AWASH IN MONEY, HAS RESORTED TO PAYING OBAMA SUPPORTERS’ ELECTRIC BILLS TO BUY THE PRESIDENCY

Rick Perry has announced that he will be dropping out of the race for the Republican nomination, and making what some would see as a dramatic career change, as he heads for the small screen. TBS is scrambling a team of writers to funnel thru all Republican debate footage for a mid-winter release of ‘Tyler Perry’s Meet Ricky Perry’.

Within just days of making a comment which many American’s found irresponsible, Mark Wahlberg found himself on the wrong end of a local merchant’s Cricket stick.  Tirath Gambhir, one of six siblings/rotating owners of a Lincoln Boulevard 7-Eleven took issue with the actor and left him badly beaten.  Wahlberg was rushed to a local hospital in an ambulance driven by Mahmoud Djiboutihad, and arrived there within seven hours of the altercation.  Wahlberg came under fire earlier this week, after making comments that he could have saved a 9/11 airplane, by single-handedly taking out all of the terrorists onboard.  The actor appears to have met his match in the 115 pound, 5’3” Gambhir, as Wahlberg is expected to stay in the hospital for a full week while recovering.  He suffered various bruises, puncture wounds, twenty-eight stitches and a brain freeze suffered when Gambhir forced Walhberg to go Dizzy Gillespie on the Slurpee machine.  No one is quite sure what sparked the incident, however Tirath’s brother Samir, stated that his brother was distressed after hearing about Wahlberg’s comments earlier in the week.  A spokesperson for Wahlberg has stated that the often tough guy casted actor has filed for a restraining order against Gambhir and will be pressing charges.

(BELOW) WAHLBERG IN ‘THE FIGHTER’, THE ACTOR CURRENTLY 
AT A VENICE BEACH HOSPITAL IS NOT FEELING ANY GOOD VIBRATIONS

Time Magazine has reported that their ‘Sexiest Ass of Year’ award is once again going to Ron Paul in 2012.

In the seventeenth largest buyout of 2012, Mitt Romney, backed by his former firm, Bain Capital sank $3.8B into a New Hampshire buyout effort, which was pulled off flawlessly.  Romney trounced competitors at a mere cost of only $44,758 per primary voter.  Bain capital now owns the state of New Hampshire and is considering selling half of it to Canada, while turning the other half into a Super-Staples® Megastore.  Romney’s wife Ann applauded her neighbor to the North from a Boston Marriott, “Tonight New Hampshirites have spoken, and they have spoken at a price of twice their median income, that Mitt Romney is the best choice for President.”  Romney himself was unavailable for comment, as he was busy lining up financing for the purchase of South Carolina voters later this month.  Donald Trump, who is still considering a third party run, has released news that Mitt Romney was actually born, born again in Cuba, while on a Mormon mission in 1967, and thus is ineligible for the office of the Presidency. Snopes.com is still investigating, pending results of whomever is their highest bidder on the left.  Educated witnesses to New Hampshire’s exit polls are asking the state to change its motto to “The Live Free and Let Retards Vote State”.

TIME MAGAZINE RECIPIENT OF THE 2012 ‘NICEST ASS OF THE YEAR’
AWARD, RON PAUL THANKS NEW HAMPSHIRE VOTERS FOR 2^ND PLACE

After a lockout that ended just over a month ago, the NBA has completed two plus weeks of games, while most Americans continue to not give a shit about the sport, much like the players and owners. Continue reading →