February 17th, 2012 – Master Lock® Under Pressure to Change Offensive Sounding Name

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OAK CREEK, WI – In an effort to assuage critics at the highest level, Master Lock® will be making a name change to the more benign and euphemistic Combofriend™ or Easylock™.  According to their recently ousted Marketing Chief, George Fortuna, who did not agree with the move and was consequently charged with a hate crime, the company has been threatened with fines, levies and tariffs since the Obama administration has taken over.  The eighty-eight year old Wisconsin based company has been highlighted in the news much of late, with it’s creation of seven jobs, which has effectively doubled the private sector work force in Milwaukee. “Why must a lock, a supposed symbol of strength and trust remind us of this country’s sordid and despicable past?” asked an Obama cabinet member. Master Lock’s stock plunged on the news, as well as further news that the company’s potential bailout dollars may be given to industry competitor Schlage®. Other corporations are also feeling the heat. Ticketmaster® is considering a change to their name: possibilities include Ticketfriendster, or the more appropriate Ticketscamster. The computer industry has also come under fire, as Attorney General Eric Holder has threatened a Race Action Lawsuit unless the practice of referring to disk drives as master and slave is replaced. Microsoft has already promised critics that is will be designating drive numbers to the slave drive before the master drive. Auctions of used drives must cease immediately according to a dictate put out by Holder’s office.

(ABOVE) OBAMA AT MILWAUKEE’S MASTER LOCK
HEADQUARTERS HAVING A SMOKE WITH
“MASTER LOCKER” LASHAWNA JEFFRIES

February 10th, 2012 – President Declined for $300 Payday Loan; Obama Driver’s License Unverifiable

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – Within hours of Mitt Romney’s announcement that anyone who is poor in America should be strung up, neutered and iron-maidened, an unrelated presidential development was unfolding in a D.C. suburb.  President Obama, still busy on his three plus year spending binge was witnessed entering a Cash Advance America Store across the Potomac.  An employee of the Tysons Corner location of the chain greeted the President with a quick “hi” and then delivered the state required standard disclosure of the APR rate and fees of what a loan would cost the Commander-in-Chief.  According to store manager, Bernice Jefferson, the President strolled in flanked by six Secret Service men, pulled out his wallet and demanded a $1,500 payday loan, the store’s maximum loan amount.  A frightened Ms. Jefferson reported the encounter, “I informed
Mr. President, that first time borrowers were not eligible for more than $300, he got upset and used some choice words, but eventually asked me to proceed with processing his loan request.  Things got very uncomfortable, when Teletrack™ reported back to us that President Obama’s Driver’s License was either invalid or unverifiable.”  According to Ms. Jefferson, President Obama stormed out of her store, yelling “I hate Virginia anyway, I’ll just go back to D.C. and get my loan.”  Unbeknownst to the President, payday loans are unavailable in the District of Columbia due to a 2009 referendum that attempted to rid the Nation’s Capital of this type of loan product.  Crack, however, is still widely available.  The fallout of this incident has been minimal, as the President, unable to convince Ms. Jefferson and Cash Advance America of his creditworthiness, was able to convince Congress to raise the debt ceiling by another $1.2 trillion.

(BELOW) A DISGRUNTLED OBAMA AUTHORIZING CASH ADVANCE AMERICA’S
CREDIT CHECK, A CHECK WHICH, WITHIN MINUTES PRODUCED A REDFLAG.
OBAMA HAS THREATENED TO FILE A CLASS ACTION SUIT WITH THE LENDER.

February 10th, 2012 – Area Professor Dead After a Bicyclist Collides with his Smart Car

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BERKELEY, CA – A twenty-two year veteran of UC-Berkeley’s Humanities Department was pronounced dead at an East Bay bike crossing yesterday after his 2008 Smart Fortwo® was found on the wrong end of a T-bone from an eleven pound Trek bicycle. Lloyd Dobbler, 58, a pioneer in Berkeley’s Western Imperialism Literature studies, was fatally struck at 3:08 PM, from a bicyclist, whom according to onlookers was recklessly careening out of control on campus area streets. Various witnesses have stated that the bicyclist appeared to be exceeding the posted speed limit of 20 MPH.  The Suspect fled the scene carrying his bike, as the rider’s front tire seemed to be the only casualty, other than Professor Dobbler and his car. “He was such a caring and conserving man and only recently switched from his own bicycle to a Smart Car” said Dobbler’s lover while fighting thru tears. Berkeley police have put out an APB for a white, pony-tailed male wearing a headband and cut off jeans. Daimler/Chrysler/Clint Eastwood/U.S. Taxpayer, the parent company of Smart USA has not yet commented on the incident, but according to the company’s website, less than one hundred Smart car owners die per year when run into by a bicycle weighing under fourteen pounds.

 (BELOW) EMERGENCY WORKERS ATTEMPTED IN VAIN TO
RESCUE DOBBLER; THE DESTRUCTIVE EFFECTS FROM
THE TREK BICYCLE ARE VERY MUCH APPARENT.