USA – After invoking his fellow Americans to vote for revenge, greed and animosity, President Obama was re-elected in stout fashion on Tuesday. His supporters, with nothing better to do, showed up at the polls in droves of dregs. In conformance with various heat map modeling predictions, Obama garnered the vote in nearly 98% of the precincts, in which constituents have reported federal tax payments of a thousand dollars or less annually over the last three decades. He also nabbed the vote from nearly 85% of government employees, those people who receive their pay off of the backs of the indolent and greedy members of the private sector. Michelle Obama spoke about the election results on The View on Wednesday. “It’s crystal clear, more Americans than not want free stuff – Barack is going to continue to deliver on that entitlement,” said the first lady to husky applause from Whoopi Goldberg and the gallery. Obama himself took the rest of the week off (as did most of his supporters), while celebrating with his Cabinet on a binge of cannabis and various other substances. Vice-President Joe Biden refrained from partaking in the festivities as he was still busy grappling with the Mensa people about their unwillingness to claim him as a member. [see: October 26th, 2012 – Biden Mensa Application Denied; Asperger’s International Denies Vice-President Also]
OBAMA’S BIG SCREEN DEBUT IS
SLATED TO HIT THEATERS IN JANUARY 2013
BOISE – Not to be outdone by neighboring Washington and Colorado, Idaho residents voted earlier this week to approve the recreational use of some drugs. Marijuana won handily. Speedballs (a savory concoction of heroin and cocaine) also received a healthy level of support in the Famous Potatoes state. Proponents of the ballot initiative were thrilled and have been partying non-stop since late Tuesday. A re-elected and rejuvenated President Obama applauded the vote as well with a late night toke on Pennsylvania Avenue. “It’s about damn time” said the anointed one while sharing a bong with his Cabinet. Many Idaho natives said the legalization didn’t go far enough. Longtime meth enthusiast Crystal Harris (insert) commented, “It’s my teeth, it’s my choice. I’m moving to Arkansas next week, ‘cause my cousin lives there and she said it’s been legal there since 1978.”
Others were not quite as buoyant about the decision. A teary-eyed Jim Belushi called it a travesty against the war on drugs, citing his comedic brother’s early eighties death at the hands of a speedball overdose. “I know my brother would be smiling down from the clouds right now, but According to Jim I can’t agree,” said the sitcom star.
Idahoans have promised to battle on versus the war against their drugs. A referendum is already being crafted for the 2012 ballot to legalize PCP, crack and car battery acid.
OUR NATION’S LEADER
CELEBRATES IN THE OVAL OFFICE
SCRANTON, PA – Mensa has gotten back to Joe Biden, and the news is rather punctiliously lugubrious. The Vice-President made a feeble last ditch attempt to join the high IQ society immediately after his debate earlier this month. Although many Mensans remain tight-lipped, the President of Mensa Wearhouse, George Zimmer, commented that “When considering Biden for membership, we didn’t like the way his hairpiece looked!” Other organizations were just as sanguine on bringing the Vice-President into their ranks. Notably, Asperger’s International declined the Vice-President’s request for membership, “He makes the average Asperger sufferer seem patient and restrained. On an extrapolated basis, Vice-President Biden has about 718,000 uncontrollable outbreaks or interruptions annually,” commented George Kandathil, an Asperger’s specialist with the Mayo Clinic in Phoenix. Biden’s camp was quick to respond, “this is bullsh*t! Shut up! Let me clarify the Vice-President’s stance” shouted an uncontrollable Biden supporter, “This Paul Ryan likely has as strong a feral kitten fetish as Mitten Romney, it’s obvious, just check snopes.com.” Paul Ryan was unable to respond, as he was busy killing your grandparents with a crossbow.
BIDEN WITH HIS SIDEKICK, ALREADY SURVEYING A FUTURE
RAP CAREER BASED ON HIS SUCCESS EARLIER THIS YEAR
LAUGHLIN – In a story breaking less than two weeks out from the Presidential election, Martha Raddatz, Candy Crowley and Jim Lehrer are jointly reporting that Mitt Romney was caught in a Laughlin area cathouse having unprotected sex with numerous feral kittens. The Laughlin Sheriff Department, the Clark County Constable and The Humane Society converged on Kitty’s Kitten Ranch, LLC located on the outskirts of Laughlin late last night. Numerous witnesses fled the scene during the encounter, however ranch owner, Barney Frank defended the Republican candidate, “kittens are fun, kittens are furry, kittens are fluffy, what’s a Mormon to do?” In a further strange twist of events, Chris Matthews and Al Sharpton also immediately defended whom they now refer to as the ‘Hittin’ that kitten candidate’. Sharpton while speaking at a Tawana Brawley rally spoke bluntly, “A Mormon got needs, some of them needs are apparently unknown to various pet rescue efforts, but Mitt is down with kit.” Most Obama surrogates Pounced on the revelation. “As if the nude photos of Big Bird discovered on the Governor’s Laptop last week weren’t enough, this recent act truly reveals what type of sordid Mormon we’re dealing with,” commented Crowley. As for President Obama, the three senior journalists could not find one questionable act in his past, even including the years of 1961-2006 for which no official records exist on the President.
BILL CLINTON WEIGHS IN ON CANDIDATE
MITT ROMNEY, WHILE ALSO SEEKING ADVICE
DENVER – Withstanding only the highly biased FOX News, every other media outlet agreed unanimously that President Obama’s debate performance was second to none in American History. Continue reading
HELENA – After being out of work for the last two hundred and twenty-four days, “starting” NFL referees will be leaving the waffle iron and heading back to the gridiron this weekend. Some referees have remained in shape, but many, including the much-loved player favorite Ed Hochuli, have strayed from the basics.
TACOMA – Only a few days after making one of the most dubious catches in NFL history, Seahawk receiver Golden Tate has also caught AIDs. Tate’s expected public announcement will be taking place momentarily.
NEW YORK – Out of the limelight since the mid nineties, Charles Thatcher has been approached by the NFL’s replacement referees, who are seeking out his help and vision in officiating. Thatcher, affectionately known as “Corky”, starred in the hit ABC series Life Goes On two decades ago.